Padres Weight Loss Program: Lose 19lbs EASY!

We get it, you are fat. We all are. Not many of us can complete a complete cycle of p90x, mainly because we get fed up with Tony Horton around Day 8. Not to worry, we at The Pitiful Padres help you to cut calories this year while religiously watching your favorite baseball team, the San Diego Padres.

Panda Sandoval needs to get on my program

Step 1: Find a perfect spot to watch

This might sound tougher than it sounds. Well, not really. Found a couch and a big TV. This is where your 162-game + playoffs* (*not guaranteed) work out will take place.

Step 2: Construct your workout

• Pre-Game: 
• If you are like me, you are pacing for at least 20 minutes prior to the game beginning waiting for the first pitch home run-turned-fly-ball at Petco Park. Without even knowing, you have began your workout and burned 68 calories before the Star-Spangled Banner is botched by some eight year old girl scout troop.
  
• During Game:









 Padres fan, King Leonidas, used this workout before filming 300

• Sac Bunt/Stolen Base sit-ups: Since the Padres are one of the most efficient teams in these two categories in 2012 with 155 SB's (2nd) and 63 Sac Bunts (9th), let us fans show our appreciation for the efficiency the Padres use to produced and the small ball tactics they display by doing sit-ups. Every 5 push ups is 1 calorie, so why not go 25 sit-ups to burn 5. The Padres average 1.34 of these run producers a game which comes out to 6.72 calories per game which getting abs to rival those of the Spartans in 300.
• Home Run Hops: For every Padres home run Chase Headley hits, or any Padre for that matter, you can celebrate with them by jumping up and down for 30 seconds. The Padres hit just 121 (.75) home runs last year, which ranked 3rd last in the MLB, so this rare feat deserves some recognition. And at 6.25 calories per jack, your scale is going to be stoked about those fences moving in this year. 4.68 calories per game
• Squats for strike outs: The Padres struck out 1238 times last season (7.64/game), which ranked 14th in the league. To imitate Padres players taking a squat on the bench after swinging and missing, start doing squats for 30 seconds. To calculate calories, a simple math problem: Your Weight x .096 x .5 (30 seconds). For me (180lbs), that is 8.64 calories per whiff if we calculate that times 7.64, that is 66 calories a game. Lets just hope the Padres don't run into Aaron Harang again, or your legs could be on fire for a few innings.
• Double Plays=Strong Legs Since the Padres were too lazy to run out that ground ball to short stop, your calves with suffer because of it. Stand up and do calf raises for 30 seconds to burn. Don't worry, Padres grounded into 100 DP's last year (26th) for only 2 calories per game
• Running For Runs The Padres were 23rd in the MLB last year with 651 runs scored last year, so why don't us fans give a little extra hustle to inspire the Padres and run in place for 30 seconds after every run scored. This will burn 5 calories and with the average of 4.01 runs per game, that is 20 calories per game
• Post Game
• Padres Victory Push ups After every Padres victory, which we can assume on 162 this year, do 25 push ups. For all those glass-half-empty people, do 25 even if they lose to encourage them for next game. At 1 calorie each, that is 25 calories per game

Now to do our final tallies. If we add up the average calories burned per game with the exercise and then factor in 295 calories for sitting and watching the game (2.9hrs, the average length of game x 102 calories/hour sitting and talking), we come up with 419.4 calories per game burned! Times that by 162 games, we can burn 67,942.8 calories per season which if divided by 3,500 (the amount of calories in a pound), we can burn 19.41lbs this season simply by watching baseball.

Fun Fact: Chase Headley will actually help you lose the most weight on the team! Leading the team with 157 strikeouts (1,356 calories), 95 Runs  (475 calories), 31 HRs (193.75) and contributing 22 Sac/SB (110 calories) and 7 GIDP (14 calories), Headley alone contributes for 2148.75 calories without even including his wins. Headley helps you lose .61lbs, he is your weight loss MVP.

Of course these numbers don't factor in the number of hot dogs (290 calories, 21g fat/dog), Peanuts (840 calories/8oz bag), Nachos (1500 calories/40 chips with 4oz cheese), Pretzels (400 calories), and soda (230 calories/20oz) according to a "Health Website"

I guess what I am trying to say is, you are fighting a losing battle, so everything helps. But overall, my message, however conflicting it may be, EAT UP FATTY! BASEBALL IS BACK!

Spring Training 2013: February 25th (Game 4)

The Padres face the Brewers with the rights to sudsy beverages as the victor's prize. Would the evil conglomerate empire or the valiant microbreweries prevail in this beer fight?

Your kung-fu is week, Fuzzles.

Not bear fight, beer fight! Oh thank Xenu, the jump is here.

Free Money: The 2013 Baseball Betting Bible

*In no way, shape, or form is this expert opinion, I just have a gambling problem

Are you one of the suckers trying to hit the baseball betting jackpot this season? Can you see into the future and know who is going to win it all this year like some kind of fortune teller? Have you accurately predicted the last three years World Series teams? If so, please call me, I would like to have some insider information.

I am sure she is an expert.

Betting on baseball is fun and winning is even more fun. I usually only get to have to fun of making my dumb bets and detest the casino workers laugh at me while counting my money. Not this year. This is the year I make it out of the casino with enough money to go back next year and make more ludicrous wagers.

For starters, the odds of the divisions.

Who is parlaying the Astros and Marlins with me?

My winners:
Braves, Cardinals, Giants, Blue Jays, Tigers, Angels

Now you are thinking wait Bret, you picked three of the predicted AL division winners? That is hardly something you are giving us insight about.. I do have a rebuttal. I did this because those teams are seriously freakin' good. Each of these three teams have the best teams on paper.

 -You are trying to tell me the Tigers won't win the division? The same team that made it to the World Series last year and then, oh yeah, added Torii Hunter and Victor Martinez to the already powerful lineup.
-Sorry, A's fans, the only thing doing the Bernie this year will be the Coco Crisp bobblehead giveaway, the Angels have the West locked.
-Blue Jays...They are starting a Cy Young winner-knuckleballer on opening day, and picked up Josh Johnson, Mark Burhle, Melky Cabrera and Jose Reyes. They seem to have the East locked over and aging Yankee team and a Red Sox team full of ???

Just wait 'til Interleagues where I can hit, too!

The NL Race I feel is as open as upper deck seats at Petco Park. I chose these teams in the west because with the crap shoot the NL may be, if you are looking to take a bigger risk, the reward may be in your future

-I picked the Braves this year because of what they did to their offense. Losing Chipper Jones but picking up the Uptons' to add to Heyward? I feel the Nationals might have a slight edge with their baller rotation and that snot-nosed kid Harper they have, but to get a good ROI (return on investment for those non-business folk), Braves are 8/5 vs. Nationals 5/6.
-Cardinals never seem to be a bad pick. Sure, the Reds have won the division last two years, including last year by 9 wins, but it comes down to the ROI factor. I never can count the Cardinals out because of  their potent lineup filled with potential All-Stars. Yeah, Chris Carpenter out for the year doesn't help, but doesn't that guy get hurt every year.
-I will say it now in capital letters: THE NL WEST WILL BE THE MOST COMPETITIVE DIVISION IN BASEBALL THIS YEAR. Now that I have that out of me I will explain why I picked the Giants. It is simple: chemistry. As much as I hated seeing them win the Fall Classic two of the last three years without having the best team, they play well together. I know emotions aren't supposed to get in the way and looking at the Dodgers lineup it is hard to bet against them, but the Giants have a knack of winning and with another better ROI. If Zito can pitch like he did in the playoffs last year and Tim Lincecum's hair cut can renew his pitching of old, this team can be good.

Someone looks ready for a Harry Potter remake.

Pennant Odds:

My two picks for the pennants this year are the Washington Nationals and the Detroit Tigers. But wait! You didn't even pick the Nationals to win the division! True. I did not, but there are still two wild card slots and the Nationals WILL make the playoffs. Their lineup is good and their staff (if Strasburg is allowed to pitch this year) is made for playoff series. The Tigers have the best team in baseball in my opinion and you can see my reasoning in the graphic below.

World Series:

My pick for the World Series this year is the Tigers. The AL Playoffs is going to be tough but I can't bet against a team that went to the World Series last year AND got even better this year. Their rotation is deep and their lineup is powerful, I just hope they don't take a dump in the big one. Personally, I want to see how big of riot the people in Detroit can muster up. After the Giants winning it all last year and creating havoc, the people in MoTown must have taken it personal.


So, go ahead and listen to me. If you want to get paid this season, follow along to my step by step guide of how to strike it rich this year betting on baseball. You may not deem me an expect, but you are the one looking for tips, so obviously you have no clue neither. I still am going to make a silly 80/1 Padres World Series bet, because who knows? They still have to play the game and at least we aren't the Astros.

That's a bet the even Pete Rose would take.

Go Padres

Padres win 9-3 in Spring Training opener

First thing to be said: I am not going to do this every spring training game, I just thought in honor of a first game blowout victory, I would be willing to muster up some words of goodwill.

In my short synopsis of the game, it was basically over before it really began. The Padres drop a six-run dump on the Mariners which consisted of four hits, including a Jedd Gyorko Grand Slam, 4 walks, and a dropped fly ball. Cool Padres offense. Scored 3 more times knocking in 9 total on 10 hits.

Gyorko has the ability to spit venom which could prove valuable to earn a roster spot.

On the other side, San Diego's own,Sean O'Sullivan, did the Padres well giving them exactly what they would want in a Spring Training start going two hitless, scoreless innings.


So, what now? I know it is just one swing, but what if Jedd has an amazing spring? He has power, which we saw in Tucson last year, belting 24 bombs. Also, he has been taking strides to become a good asset on defense.

“I’ve always been known as a hitter first. I also want to be known for my defense and all-around play." 

So, this could prove to be a tough decision for Buddy Black. Do you bring him up to start the season, or hand over the job to Forsythe? And lets say they get more bad news about Evereth Cabrera's potential PED mishap in Miami? If I was a better man, and I am, I would say the Gyorko may start the season with the Padres, if the numbers and the defense can back it up.

As far as O'Sullivan, the pitching rotation is wide open as far as I am concerned for the maybe 3 and definitely 4-5 spots in the rotation. A good spring for him may prove valuable, and this start only helped put his name further in the mix of 10 guys.

Hey, Bret, I am the coach you know? I got this...

All in all, good to see a Padres win and start the season off with a bang. First place in the Cactus League! Hey, I will take what I can get.

To be a fan: A fan letter from a fan to a fan…fan

(This is an honest article written by someone who honestly can’t write.)

Dear Reader,

What does it mean to be a fan? By definition, a fan is an apparatus with rotating blades that creates a current of air for cooling or ventilation. Wait, that’s not the right one but if you didn’t know what a fan like that was then there you go. The definition I’m looking for is more like this: a person who has a strong interest in or admiration for a particular sport, art or entertainment form, or famous person. Now what is my role as a fan of the San Diego Padres? I decided to give myself the task of writing this article to find the answer to that question and find out how I came to be a proud member of the Padre fan base. I found that in looking for an answer to my current question, I had to go back…to the future.

Where we're going, we don't need good jokes.

 Just kidding I had to go back to the past. I had to go to where it all started for me and probably where many of you started as well, the most dangerous cut-throat sporting fest known to man: little league. My dad really taught me the basics of baseball but it was with little league that I really got to be involved with the sport for the first time. I learned how to play baseball before I learned how to speak English. That’s not true but it really was like learning a new language. You are taught the basics, you train with what you’re given, and you use what you know to do the best you can with other players. 

The only problem I had as a kid was that I loved to play but I didn’t give a shizz whether we won or lost. All I wanted to do was hit the ball, run around in the grass, and have fun. This didn’t bode well with the coaches. I can remember so vividly being about 8 years old standing in left field, some kid smacked the ball out right in-between me and the kid playing center (which is actually kind of nuts now that I think about it, those fields were small but not THAT small and that kid hit it pretty far) and we didn’t know who was going to get the ball so neither of us did. The coaches came out to yell at us and all I remember was being way more interested in the bugs in the grass. I didn’t care that I was doing it wrong, I was just happy to be there playing a game. The years went by and as my mentality of having fun became more apparent to myself and to other kids and coaches, I knew that I wasn’t cut out for a game where winning was everything.  I didn’t want that.

Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez. The greatest fake player in history.

I think for me it was a lot like The Sandlot. Aside from being in my top 10 movies of all time, that movie made me have this fantasy growing up. I always had this dream that I would have this great group of friends that played the game with each other and it was never more about winning than it was about having fun during the summer just playing baseball. I wanted so bad to be just like Benjamin Franklin Rodriguez, better known as Benny “The Jet” because he was just the coolest and we even had the same last name. All his friends looked up to him and he was all about playing for fun. Now a little friendly competition never hurt but again, it was more fun to just play than to win. A perfect example is when Hamilton “The Babe” Porter smacks a homer over the fence to The Beast and Benny’s only response is something like, “Now all it means is that we can’t play no more.” (You’re totally reading that in Benny’s voice, right?) He just wanted the game to keep going, to never end and that’s what I wanted, the fun to last. But, I didn’t have those friends growing up. I didn’t have a sandlot and I definitely wasn’t Benny though I always wished I was. So further adrift from my love for baseball I went.

Wiffle Ball: Emmett's only connection, his last hope

I stopped being interest in most things baseball because I felt like I didn’t belong in something that seemed so elite to me. As far as The Padres went, I knew I was a fan of the Padres but I didn’t fool myself, it was only because of the territory. “I’m from San Diego, so I like the Padres.” That was it, no real following but I did occasionally watch a game or two when I could. So I kind of fell off the baseball map. I did however play wiffle ball with friends at the park whenever the opportunity came up because that was still fun for me. For a long time it was the only real connection that I had with the game anymore.

Now this didn’t mean that baseball was out of my life entirely. If you love something you can’t let it go completely. Sometimes the things you love don't let go of you so easily.

I can remember being in highschool wishing I had stayed with baseball but deep down I still felt that it wasn’t for me but I STILL wished I had tried out. I’d see the kids on the team all dressed and ready for practice and inside myself I knew I wanted to be a part of that. So it was almost like I was haunted by the game because I left it behind and I left the kid that only wanted to have fun behind as well. The only thing I could do was dream and for a while that’s all I really had, a distant dream of a love long abandoned.

   Then something amazing happened. An angel came to me in the guise of a dear friend, one of our other authors, Mr. Drew Tweedie. He offered a chance to go to a game with him as he would happen to have an unused ticket. I thought sure why not, I haven’t been to Petco Park yet and the last time I went to a Padre game was sometime in the late nineties back when Trevor Hoffman was bringing the closing heat. So we go and something unexpected happens to me. We walk into the place and I get this overwhelming feeling that I hadn’t felt since I was a kid back in my winter ball days. There was something so magical about seeing the field under those bright lights for the first time, hearing the roar of the crowd, seeing  and smelling what the vendors were selling, all sorts of food and drinks, going to the team store, traveling up the escalators to our seats while seeing a view of downtown San Diego that I’d never seen first-hand, and then finally and most important, witnessing the game being professionally played by these guys in uniform;  The San Diego Padres.  I completely fell in love with the game again. It was like seeing an old friend you haven’t thought about in years and giving them a big fat hug realizing how much you’ve missed them. It was extraordinary to say the least.

If you build it, it might take a while but I'll be there eventually.

 So as time would pass I started going to more and more games with Drew and other friends when I was able to get an unused ticket and since then it’s become something more. I no longer wait for a free ticket and I go as often as I can as long as I can be there with my friends enjoying a game we all have some kind of history with. I’m getting back in the groove of being a fan of baseball again and learning about what it means to be a real, genuine fan of the Padres for the first time. There’s something about seeing players from the place you grew up taking on others defending the name of your home. You start to take these guys in as your own and you’ll back them up no matter what. Win or lose, they become part of you and with the right attitude you either say something about how you’re stoked because they won or if they lose then hopefully you find yourself thinking, “We’ll get ‘em next time.” I find that staying positive is the best thing you can do as a fan. What good does it do you or anyone else to complain about something you have little to no control over? The best thing you can do is to cheer your team on because they deserve that much. On the deepest level for me, it’s not just about seeing people play a game at a professional level that are representing the place you live but it’s also about seeing these guys that made it to the big leagues and probably started out the same way I did, on a field having fun playing a game that brings them happiness. It’s almost as if I get a second chance and I get to live out a fantasy through them…and that’s when I really felt that I was a true fan. I became a piece of the Padres. With that special feeling I really started to understand that they need us as much as we need them and I truly believe that.

How could you not love Will "The Thrill" Venable?

   With all of this, I am now more involved with the game of baseball than ever before.  I play with my friends in a slow-pitch softball league once a week when the season comes around. One of my favorite parts of slow-pitch is when somebody will call me Benny, or The Jet (mostly because of my last name but occasionally when I do something sweet like hitting a triple) because it makes me feel like part of that dream I had as a kid playing in a sandlot came true even though I am no Benny but it still means more to me than they know. Like I said before I’ll be going to as many Padre games as I can afford this season. I have a nice laundry basket full of SD gear that I will no doubt be adding to come this season. I am part of a campaign that aims at giving Will Venable the nickname, “The Thrill” and making it famous among Padre fans. I am BEYOND stoked for MLB The Show ’13. And finally, I am a now a blogger for The Pitiful Padres to which this article will be my first entry. Needless to say, I love baseball again and I will never let it go.

   By now you might be thinking that this article wasn’t really about being a fan of the Padres as much as it is about being a fan of baseball in general, and to be honest with you I don’t totally disagree. I think the point I wanted to get across was that for all of us that are fans of any team, any sport, or anything that allows fans basically, we all have our reasons. For me it’s about a second chance and for you it may be different but the end result is the same.  You are part of something that means something to you and it’s something you and many others can identify with. It’s there that you become part of something more…rotating blades and all.

This is a legit fan, though.

Signed,

-Emmett “The Jet” Rodriguez

(NL) Western Haikus

Working on self-imposed deadlines (also known as responsibility), we I sometimes write myself into a corner, a corner of which we haven't yet written.

Matsuo Basho looking forward to a Padres' World Series Win;
Probably not pleased by our feeble efforts

Facing a demanding task, we have to escape a prison of our own construct. We'll carve our way out, Andy Dufresne-style, seventeen syllables at a time.

Fantasy Friars: You're Already Dead (Metaphorically)

As Spring Training begets Opening Day begets "10 games back in July isn't that insurmountable", most baseball fans will soon face the crushing realization that their fantasy team(s) suck just as much as the actual teams they support. Which will hurt worse? The possibility of losing ground in the standings to a Phillies' fan with a team name of "Young Love" or watching a professional sports team falter to the actual Delmon-Michael super-combo?

Your fantasy baseball team and its witty name: Lord Galzas
Cold-hard reality: Kenshiro

Padres Spring Training Update: Fun For Everyone

Today is Tuesday, and if my calculations are correct, we are just...1,2...3. 3 days away from the first Spring Training game down in Arizona.

So, to sum that last sentence up, baseball games start Friday and I cry tears of joy.

Sometimes, there is crying in baseball.

It has been fun so far from the fan point of view to follow the flow of information regarding this new, upcoming season. Yes, starting the season off with more talk of the whole "Grandal did steroids" talk wasn't too enriching but he did say he was sorry. In the words of Hannah Montana, Nobody's Perfect (for a good laugh and my exact feelings, watch this). Obviously, the effects of the steroids are still lingering, as he won the Catcher's Olympics yesterday at Padres camp.


In my defense, I feel I get to poke him for 50 games. Fair trade.

Other news, six Padres begin gearing up to head to the World Baseball Classic in a few weeks with potential news of a seventh. Apparently, there is talks of Chase Headley joining the team as well. I don't this that is fair, considering they are playing in Arizona in their first fews games (USA! USA!)

Last news isn't much to wet my pants over, but Bud Black has announced opening day starter will be Sean O'Sullivan...for Friday's first Spring Training Game. Tyson Ross will start on Saturday.

It isn't much so far, but it is news and something you can tell your friends about. 

Then you get moments like these.

Trevor Hoffman pitches to camp invitee, Austin Hedges. I have a hunch he is giving a healthy dose of change-ups. 

Cereal Killers: The Breakfast of (NL West) Champions

According to Wikipedia, the greatest of all sources, the word cereal derives from Ceres (fascinating first couple paragraphs), the name of the Roman goddess of harvest and agriculture.  You may be asking yourself what this has to do with our Padres.  The answer? Not much.

Cereal is the best food on the planet and the Padres are the best baseball team on the planet.  Therefore, I figured I should compare some of our favorite (or least favorite) Padres to their cereal counterparts.  Yes some parts won't make complete sense, but remember I'm comparing human beings to cereal.  I just ask for you, my reader, to take this article super cereal. I'm hilarious.

If you see spelling errors it's because this is a blog (I don't enjoy editing) and sometimes spell check doesn't identify unfinished words

I promise you'll somewhat enjoy this entry.

Please keep reading.

Please.

Chase "Deadly" Headley = Special K

My personal favorite cereal (the Fruit & Yogurt variety seriously go buy it right now) and personal favorite Padre.  He'll never let you down- and just the like the delicious milk at the bottom of the bowl, he'll be there for you at the end of games.

You heard it here folks, "Chase Headley can give you the highest level of productivity available in a player, and productivity can help you win games.  So make Chase Headley part of you daily lineup" That's what you heard too, right?

Chris Denorfia/Will "The Thrill" Venable = Cinnamon Toast Crunch/Frosted Toast Crunch

Damn, what a combination.  CTC is old reliable for me. if I need a quick pick-me-up I mosey on down to the grocery and pick up a box or 4.  The delicious blend of cinnamon swirl and milk leaves me wanting more every time. So I pour another bowl of course.  The same, err, could be said about Deno.  Solid, reliable platoon man out in right.  Every year he impresses me and he still stands out as one of the few Padres who can actually have a chance to bat .300 every year (I guess it's hard?).

Then we've got The Thrill, Deno's comPADRE (see that?!?!?!?) in right field.  FTC is my new jam, and Venable has quickly become one of my favorite Padres.  FTC has a more smooth and rich flavor than CTC and allows for more consumption without flavor overhaul. I think I may have to refer to Venable's swing as "frosty" from now on.  Also, have you seen this guy's hairline?  Talk about perfection.

Sup.

Cameron Maybin = Reese's Puffs

Mmm...Reese's Puffs. What an amazing cereal.  You get the perfect blend of chocolate and peanut butter.  With Maybin, you get a blend of speed and power.  "But Matt, you're dumb Maybin hasn't even hit 10 home runs in one year!"  My answer to that is "I know."  But hear me out on this one- Maybin has incredible power, and we've had tastes of what he can do when he actually connects with a ball (skip to 2:50 and please mute your sound, you DO NOT want to listen to the song that is playing):

What I'm saying is that Maybin has true power- he just needs to become a better hitter all-around in 2013, hopefully reducing his strikeouts and having better plate discipline.  I used to call him Cameron May...be He'll Get A Hit, but after his vast improvement in the second half of 2012, I see him having a great year, hopefully hitting somewhere near a .275 avg with 10-15 homers.  And of course, we know the dude can play a mean center and steal a bunch of bases.  Just FYI, Reese's puffs has never had a down year.  Don't get it twisted.

Mark Kotsay = Lucky Charms

Yes you read it right, Mark Kotsay (he still plays?).  This guys was a spark plug for the team last year, producing some clutch pinch-hits in crucial situations.  He's a reliable veteran that can come off the bench and still produce.  I really hope he makes the squad this year, it really does make a difference having a veteran in the clubhouse and on the field for a team.

Sometimes I forget about Lucky Charms, sometimes I forget that Kotsay plays baseball.  But when I remember, it tastes good.

Pretty much Mark Kotsay, right?

 

 Carlos Quentin = Fruity Pebbles

 Need I say more?

Yasmani Grandal = Wheaties

Sorry, but I have to:

Wow, he got big.

All jokes aside (Sorry Yasmani I know you love this blog), he is a GREAT player.  He made a mistake and has owned up to it.  I know we all hope this never happens again and that he will stay a Padre for years to come.  He provides such a spark offensively and can only progress from here as such a young player.  Plus, he is a switch hitter and can cause problems for pitchers on both sides of the plate.  We got such an amazing package from the Reds in the Latos trade, and Grandal may end up being the prized possession (although Alonso and Volquez haven been equally as important).

The Entire Bullpen = Kix

Nothing special, but a great cereal.  To the common eye, Kix look plain and boring.  To the smart humans (Padres fans), Kix is a solid cereal that tastes refreshing and healthy (can things taste healthy...hot dogs, right?)

To the casual fan the Padres bullpen is lacking in big names and strong arms, to which I say lol.  I want to see more from Nick Vincent but he had a productive 27 appearances for the team last year, posting a 1.71 ERA, .98 WHIP, and 9.6 SO/9, but I'd like to see the walks go down from 2.4 BB/9.

Thayer and Tatcher are solid relievers, with Thayer filling in as the closer for a portion of last year and Thatcher being awesome simply based on how he somehow pulls off his pitching delivery:

Huh?

Then we have Luke Gregerson, with a slider more deadly then Ricin (can Breaking Bad start again please?). 

"Use the slider Luke, let go...of the ball."

Then we have Huston Street (Heath who?). The major problem for him was staying healthy last year.  But, we can all be happy that his problems weren't shoulder or arm problems, so nothing mechanically will be or has been compromised.  23 saves a year ago, with only 17 hits allowed in 39 innings.  Yeah I'll take that all day.  If we can have an entire year with Street, the team will obviously benefit greatly.  And hey, at least he'd be earning his 5 yr/$36M contract.  If the bullpen produces like they should, who knows they may even evolve into Berry Berry Kix (and will be Berry Berry good, gosh I'm funny!)

Yes, please.

 

Starting Rotation = When you mix cereals and don't know how it'll taste

Yum?

I like all of the options for this year's rotation to start the year.  Obviously when Luebke gets healthy, he's gonna be our guy.  But for now I like all of the competition for the final 1 or 2 spots at the end of the rotation.  Spring Training should be fun to watch for the young and Garcia (old) pitchers.  But we won't know how good it will be until the real season starts, let's just hope we don't have 25 (or so) different starters like last year.

Kyle Blanks = Bran Flakes (with spoiled milk)

Awww thanks Mom this looks really good!

Sounds unhealthy amirite?  Obviously a joke but seriously dude play for more than 55 games for once.  If he can play like we all know he can, he could be a regular option on this team.  I want him to get healthy and perform, then he can become Raisin Bran Crunch, with emphasis on the CRUNCH:

 He can do this for the Padres, too? Please?

Honorable mention for Raisin Bran CRUNCH video:

There he is.

Alright folks, that's it.  I love cereal and I love the Padres.  Opinions shared in this entry do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the other writers, but they should start thinking like me because I'm always right.

- Matt

 

Fan Q&AAAA: Padres' Offense not Totally Offensive

We here at TPP are very much interested in what you, the fellow fan wants to know about the collective heartache we call our San Diego Padres.

"Betcha won't guess where FOX put their mic."

Our friend Joe R. poses us our first ever question! Congrats Joseph, we really wish this honor meant something. Tell your mom!

Injury Noose: Liriano, Cashner, Darnell

Injury has become a six-letter word for Padres' fans this past calendar year, generally followed by many shorter (occasionally hyphenated) words that would have our dear mothers reaching for the Dial.

"You throw like a highly-touted and injured prospect, Liriano!"

Health news to chew on (along with some tasty bath salts) after the jump.

According to ESPN, The Padres are just average

 The Padres offseason report card came in today. If I was a kid and this was my report card, I would have made up some lame excuse to why it never made it home.

Anyways, thank you highly qualified ESPN analysts for letting me know the team with the projected 4th lowest payroll has room to improve.

ESPN Offseason Moves: D, The Pitiful Padres: C-

Yes, the Padres didn't go out an do what they wanted to. They came out after last season saying they need a starting pitcher or two to complete a rotation but failed to do so. To be honest though, I am confident in the rotation. We have a lot of young and great arms in the mix right no, and for a team that went 6 games under .500 last year using 15 starting pitchers, imagine what we could have done with a solid rotation through 2012.

The Padres may not be done though. According to Corey Brock of MLB.com, GM Josh Byrnes said:

"There is a chance we can solve [the rotation] with our own guys," San Diego general manager Josh Byrnes said. "The thing about the offseason [is] … we haven't pursued guys just to add bodies. But if we feel there's an upgrade, someone with upside or a long-term guy, then OK. But we're comfortable with seeing how our guys look. There might be a need [to add a pitcher] but there might not be."

Additionally,  there are a few more arms out on the market currently looking to find a home in 2013. Including Kyle Lohse, Roy Oswalt, Dallas Braden and Chris Young.

Okay, alright, Lohse (16-3 in 2012) will not be a Padre and I find it hard pressed for the Padres to go after 35-year old Oswalt and his usual high contract demands that surround. Braden could be a potential who they could get for cheap. He only made $3.3M last year in a season he only had 18IP. Young, on the other hand, could be a great move for fan moral. He is a consistent arm who can win some games and keep you in most others.

Chances are though, if I am in the front office, I stick with what I got and run a craps shoot with my 10 potential starters.

                                            I heard he is still looking for a contract in 2013...

ESPN Position Players: C+, The Pitiful Padres: C+

PROJECTED LINEUP
SS Everth Cabrera
RF Will Venable/Chris Denorfia
3B Chase Headley
LF Carlos Quentin
1B Yonder Alonso
CF Cameron Maybin
C Nick Hundley/Yasmani Grandal
2B Logan Forsythe/Jedd Gyorko

So, the Padres didn't score a lot of runs last year (4.0/game, 10th in NL), but I will use the old cliche of "Petco Park". Let us not forget they are moving the fences in 10ft which could provide for a little more offensive production. To analyze the lineup:
Cabrera, solid defense, lack of offense. Basically, we know what to expect.
Venable/Denorfia: Solid defense, and an upside on base-paths  Both can run decently well and Denorfia hits nearly .300 and puts the ball in play. Get on base for the big boys.
Headley: Coming off a near MVP season last year, we can only hope he replicates his numbers.
Quentin: Only played 86 games and made his impact known. A full season with fences in? HIGH potential for some offensive surge.
Alonso: Only 9 HR's in his rookie campaign but showed a lot at the plate. He will have people on base in front of him to drive in some runs.
Maybin: After bad first half, he hit .283 in the second half. Keep the swing up. At 26, still has a chance to be sucessful.
Hundley/Grandal: Game 51 we get a hitter back. Hundley plays great defense, but too many holes in his swing.
Forsythe/Gyroko: Logan hit .273 last year and an upgrade form Armarista. Gyrokos 30 bombs in Tucson hopefully can transfer to the bigs.

I feel the lineup will be better than last years based on potential. One year more experience for the rookies and a chance to erase last year for the likes of Maybin and Hundley.

ESPN Pitching: D+, The Pitiful Padres: C

I stated my opinion before. If the Padres don't get hurt, they have 10 potential arms. 6 under last year with a platoon of starters.

ESPN Overall: C, The Pitiful Padres: C

Ok, so I am a little biased and think all of my Padres are going to be All-Stars this year like Huston Street was last year. Last year, the team surprised some people. We had a MVP finalist and Gold Glover in Headley, a pleasant surprise from rookies Grandal and Alonso and a great effort from an ailing staff. I don't (realistically) expect any World Series this year, but .500 is not out of the question.