Cereal is the best food on the planet and the Padres are the best baseball team on the planet. Therefore, I figured I should compare some of our favorite (or least favorite) Padres to their cereal counterparts. Yes some parts won't make complete sense, but remember I'm comparing human beings to cereal. I just ask for you, my reader, to take this article super cereal. I'm hilarious.
If you see spelling errors it's because this is a blog (
I promise you'll somewhat enjoy this entry.
Please keep reading.
Please.
Chase "Deadly" Headley = Special K
My personal favorite cereal (the Fruit & Yogurt variety seriously go buy it right now) and personal favorite Padre. He'll never let you down- and just the like the delicious milk at the bottom of the bowl, he'll be there for you at the end of games.
You heard it here folks, "Chase Headley can give you the highest level of productivity available in a player, and productivity can help you win games. So make Chase Headley part of you daily lineup" That's what you heard too, right?
Chris Denorfia/Will "The Thrill" Venable = Cinnamon Toast Crunch/Frosted Toast Crunch
Damn, what a combination. CTC is old reliable for me. if I need a quick pick-me-up I mosey on down to the grocery and pick up a box or 4. The delicious blend of cinnamon swirl and milk leaves me wanting more every time. So I pour another bowl of course. The same, err, could be said about Deno. Solid, reliable platoon man out in right. Every year he impresses me and he still stands out as one of the few Padres who can actually have a chance to bat .300 every year (I guess it's hard?).
Then we've got The Thrill, Deno's comPADRE (see that?!?!?!?) in right field. FTC is my new jam, and Venable has quickly become one of my favorite Padres. FTC has a more smooth and rich flavor than CTC and allows for more consumption without flavor overhaul. I think I may have to refer to Venable's swing as "frosty" from now on. Also, have you seen this guy's hairline? Talk about perfection.
Sup.
Cameron Maybin = Reese's Puffs
Mmm...Reese's Puffs. What an amazing cereal. You get the perfect blend of chocolate and peanut butter. With Maybin, you get a blend of speed and power. "But Matt, you're dumb Maybin hasn't even hit 10 home runs in one year!" My answer to that is "I know." But hear me out on this one- Maybin has incredible power, and we've had tastes of what he can do when he actually connects with a ball (skip to 2:50 and please mute your sound, you DO NOT want to listen to the song that is playing):
What I'm saying is that Maybin has true power- he just needs to become a better hitter all-around in 2013, hopefully reducing his strikeouts and having better plate discipline. I used to call him Cameron May...be He'll Get A Hit, but after his vast improvement in the second half of 2012, I see him having a great year, hopefully hitting somewhere near a .275 avg with 10-15 homers. And of course, we know the dude can play a mean center and steal a bunch of bases. Just FYI, Reese's puffs has never had a down year. Don't get it twisted.
Mark Kotsay = Lucky Charms
Yes you read it right, Mark Kotsay (he still plays?). This guys was a spark plug for the team last year, producing some clutch pinch-hits in crucial situations. He's a reliable veteran that can come off the bench and still produce. I really hope he makes the squad this year, it really does make a difference having a veteran in the clubhouse and on the field for a team.
Sometimes I forget about Lucky Charms, sometimes I forget that Kotsay plays baseball. But when I remember, it tastes good.
Pretty much Mark Kotsay, right?
Carlos Quentin = Fruity Pebbles
Need I say more?
Yasmani Grandal = Wheaties
Sorry, but I have to:
Wow, he got big.
All jokes aside (Sorry Yasmani I know you love this blog), he is a GREAT player. He made a mistake and has owned up to it. I know we all hope this never happens again and that he will stay a Padre for years to come. He provides such a spark offensively and can only progress from here as such a young player. Plus, he is a switch hitter and can cause problems for pitchers on both sides of the plate. We got such an amazing package from the Reds in the Latos trade, and Grandal may end up being the prized possession (although Alonso and Volquez haven been equally as important).
The Entire Bullpen = Kix
Nothing special, but a great cereal. To the common eye, Kix look plain and boring. To the smart humans (Padres fans), Kix is a solid cereal that tastes refreshing and healthy (can things taste healthy...hot dogs, right?)
To the casual fan the Padres bullpen is lacking in big names and strong arms, to which I say lol. I want to see more from Nick Vincent but he had a productive 27 appearances for the team last year, posting a 1.71 ERA, .98 WHIP, and 9.6 SO/9, but I'd like to see the walks go down from 2.4 BB/9.
Thayer and Tatcher are solid relievers, with Thayer filling in as the closer for a portion of last year and Thatcher being awesome simply based on how he somehow pulls off his pitching delivery:
Huh?
Then we have Luke Gregerson, with a slider more deadly then Ricin (can Breaking Bad start again please?).
"Use the slider Luke, let go...of the ball."
Then we have Huston Street (Heath who?). The major problem for him was staying healthy last year. But, we can all be happy that his problems weren't shoulder or arm problems, so nothing mechanically will be or has been compromised. 23 saves a year ago, with only 17 hits allowed in 39 innings. Yeah I'll take that all day. If we can have an entire year with Street, the team will obviously benefit greatly. And hey, at least he'd be earning his 5 yr/$36M contract. If the bullpen produces like they should, who knows they may even evolve into Berry Berry Kix (and will be Berry Berry good, gosh I'm funny!)
Yes, please.
Starting Rotation = When you mix cereals and don't know how it'll taste
Yum?
I like all of the options for this year's rotation to start the year. Obviously when Luebke gets healthy, he's gonna be our guy. But for now I like all of the competition for the final 1 or 2 spots at the end of the rotation. Spring Training should be fun to watch for the young and Garcia (old) pitchers. But we won't know how good it will be until the real season starts, let's just hope we don't have 25 (or so) different starters like last year.
Kyle Blanks = Bran Flakes (with spoiled milk)
Awww thanks Mom this looks really good!
Sounds unhealthy amirite? Obviously a joke but seriously dude play for more than 55 games for once. If he can play like we all know he can, he could be a regular option on this team. I want him to get healthy and perform, then he can become Raisin Bran Crunch, with emphasis on the CRUNCH:
He can do this for the Padres, too? Please?
Honorable mention for Raisin Bran CRUNCH video:
There he is.
Alright folks, that's it. I love cereal and I love the Padres. Opinions shared in this entry do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the other writers, but they should start thinking like me because I'm always right.
- Matt
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