Creating The Greatest Padre: This makes even Dr. Frankenstein queasy

So, the Padres may not exactly be strapped with All-Stars and first ballot Hall Of Famers. I get it, we are a budget ball club with budget players. I love the guys, but lets me honest, Cameron Maybin is no Mike Trout.

With the new ownership trying to secure some players this year (or at least that is what they told us?) I was thinking myself, why not keep what we've got and create a monster player? Well not everything of everyone just some essential part.

First, the body of Kyle Blanks. This dude is massive. Imagine the 6'5'' 265lb frame of Kyle Blanks? Makes Josh Hamilton look like a shrimp side by side. With this height, our dream player will be able to use his body for maximum power when up to bat and hit jacks for days. Blanks body is a no brainer.

Hall Of Fame. First Ballot.

Speed is also a no doubter as well. We will call on the wheels of Everth Cabrera to jet our near-giant around the diamond at rapid pace (of course, when he is not hitting bombs over the Frazee Paint can in left). Everth had 44 base steals last year, leading the NL, and with another added foot in size, I think this could make our baller push for a 50/50 season. Our guy will make the road runner look slow.

Arm? Straight Cash-ner. We want our guy throwing 100MPH from wherever we decide to place him.

Bat? Homer Headley gets the nod. The dude hit 31 home runs last year and knocked in a NL leading 115 RBIs. Imagine combining these monster stats with our moster body frame of Blanks? 40+ home runs would not be out of the question and the potential to make Miguel Cabrera's Triple Crown year look like a joke as we put up video game-like numbers. Prepare yourself for 10 years of walk-off home runs


Glove? Cameron Maybin. This guy is a human web-gem and with a twitter handle like @SpiderMayb24 this guy cruises around the field like a super hero making sweet catch after sweet catch, robbing the best in the game of big hits.




Now it is time for some key pieces Padres fans need to have in a player that go beyond the playing field.

Most importantly, the high socks of Chris Denorfia. This may not be a correct statistic by any means, but I swear, whenever he wears these, the Padres win percentage jumps to about .800! Also, they just look frekin' sweet.

• The moustache of Dale Thayer. It just makes our guy look like a man. 
• The durability of Mark Kotsay. We want our guy playing up to 40 and well beyond. Satchel Paige has got nothing on us.
• The dreads of Edison Volquez. Because, why not?
• The faith of the Friar. No matter if we are down, he will be there to believe in us.

And lastly, good attitude is a must and from what I have seen and heard, Will "The Thrill" Venable is a fan favorite and all around awesome dude when it comes to fans. He never turns down a chance to sign autographs and always has a smile on his face. We need that in our All-Star. No one wants to be a jerk.

"Did someone say my name?"

Okay, okay, so this may not be possible to create the ultimate player, but after writing this, I realize I love these guys no matter what they can or can't do. They are my Padres, and I will take them as is.

This message is Bud Black approved.

...unless somehow we can sign Steven Strasburg, I would take that guy.

GO PADRES!