Creating The Greatest Padre: This makes even Dr. Frankenstein queasy

So, the Padres may not exactly be strapped with All-Stars and first ballot Hall Of Famers. I get it, we are a budget ball club with budget players. I love the guys, but lets me honest, Cameron Maybin is no Mike Trout.

With the new ownership trying to secure some players this year (or at least that is what they told us?) I was thinking myself, why not keep what we've got and create a monster player? Well not everything of everyone just some essential part.

First, the body of Kyle Blanks. This dude is massive. Imagine the 6'5'' 265lb frame of Kyle Blanks? Makes Josh Hamilton look like a shrimp side by side. With this height, our dream player will be able to use his body for maximum power when up to bat and hit jacks for days. Blanks body is a no brainer.

Hall Of Fame. First Ballot.

Speed is also a no doubter as well. We will call on the wheels of Everth Cabrera to jet our near-giant around the diamond at rapid pace (of course, when he is not hitting bombs over the Frazee Paint can in left). Everth had 44 base steals last year, leading the NL, and with another added foot in size, I think this could make our baller push for a 50/50 season. Our guy will make the road runner look slow.

Arm? Straight Cash-ner. We want our guy throwing 100MPH from wherever we decide to place him.

Bat? Homer Headley gets the nod. The dude hit 31 home runs last year and knocked in a NL leading 115 RBIs. Imagine combining these monster stats with our moster body frame of Blanks? 40+ home runs would not be out of the question and the potential to make Miguel Cabrera's Triple Crown year look like a joke as we put up video game-like numbers. Prepare yourself for 10 years of walk-off home runs


Glove? Cameron Maybin. This guy is a human web-gem and with a twitter handle like @SpiderMayb24 this guy cruises around the field like a super hero making sweet catch after sweet catch, robbing the best in the game of big hits.




Now it is time for some key pieces Padres fans need to have in a player that go beyond the playing field.

Most importantly, the high socks of Chris Denorfia. This may not be a correct statistic by any means, but I swear, whenever he wears these, the Padres win percentage jumps to about .800! Also, they just look frekin' sweet.

• The moustache of Dale Thayer. It just makes our guy look like a man. 
• The durability of Mark Kotsay. We want our guy playing up to 40 and well beyond. Satchel Paige has got nothing on us.
• The dreads of Edison Volquez. Because, why not?
• The faith of the Friar. No matter if we are down, he will be there to believe in us.

And lastly, good attitude is a must and from what I have seen and heard, Will "The Thrill" Venable is a fan favorite and all around awesome dude when it comes to fans. He never turns down a chance to sign autographs and always has a smile on his face. We need that in our All-Star. No one wants to be a jerk.

"Did someone say my name?"

Okay, okay, so this may not be possible to create the ultimate player, but after writing this, I realize I love these guys no matter what they can or can't do. They are my Padres, and I will take them as is.

This message is Bud Black approved.

...unless somehow we can sign Steven Strasburg, I would take that guy.

GO PADRES!

Who Do You Got? A Pitiful Padre Pre-Season Prediction Post.

I am far from a professional baseball analyst, almost as far as I can get (currently, I professionally make sandwiches, but that is not the point), but I still get my chance to guess who is going to be taking down some sweet hardware this year. So, I am going to leave you with my pre-season predictions for the coveted end of the year trophies.


National League
MVP: Joey Votto, Cincinnati Reds. It was cute last year when Buster Posey won the award, but I guess you could say he deserved it. First bold prediction: NO GIANT WILL WIN A MAJOR AWARD THIS YEAR. Not exactly bold, but back to my thought, Votto will take the crown. He should have a been a no-brainer last year. The guy was hitting .337 at the All-Star break until the pesky injury bug hit him and he never was really the same. Full season in uniform this year could return him to his 2010 MVP campaign days and bring something to cheer about in Cincy other than a first round playoff exit.

Cy Young: Steven Strasburg, Washington Nationals. Finally, they are letting Strasburg off his innings leash, which in my opinion, cost them a trip to the NLCS last year. This dude, and SDSU Alum, can throw a freakin' baseball really hard and do other amazing stuff with it, too. Several of the so called "professionals" have him as an outside chance to hit 300 strike outs this year. If Davey Johnson lets him go 220IP this year, this a no-brainer, even with Kershaw on the mound. Either way, we know it won't be a knuckle-baller taking down the trophy this year.

Rookie of the Year: Jedd Gyorko, San Diego Padres. Okay, okay, this might be a little bit of a homer pick, but I think the dude has a chance. With the injury bug hitting hard on the Padres (again...) he is getting a chance to come up early and show what he has got. No real high expectations of him and a predicted 4th place finish, so it may allow him to come in and feel very comfortable right away. He has signs of power as he hit for 30 HR, 100 RBI in the minors last year and he is going to start season off in his natural position at 3rd base. If he cuts down his K's (16 this spring), give him a shot. Lets bring home some hardware to Petco this year, Jedd.

Manager of the Year: Unfortunately, Don Mattingly, Los Angeles Dodgers. The guy basically has to screw up badly (somewhat similar to last year) not to get this award. Star studded team that will be potentially winning the NL West, make the playoffs for first time since 2009 and potentially a deep run into the playoffs. Don't mess up, Don. I am sure Bud Black would like to take that title home again if he can muster up some magic a few miles south.

American League

MVP: Miguel Cabrera, Detroit Tigers. Don't give me any of this Trout business. Dude hit for the Triple Crown last year AND his lineup got an upgrade from Brennan Boesch/Quintin Berry to Torii Hunter. More RBI chances in an already star-studded Detroit lineup. Sure, Trout is good, but his numbers went down a bit in September of last year. Will he be able to avoid a sophomore slump completely. What he did last year was incredible. I think that will be too hard to duplicate.

Cy Young: Justin Verlander, Detroit Tigers. He lost the ultimate prize in dating Kate Upton this offseason, but did just collect $180 million contract that will make him a Tiger for life, so things are going well for the guy. Also, he was Cy Young in 2011, runner up last year and I think he wants to go out and prove he deserved that paycheck and that he is better than his 2012 World Series appearance

Rookie of the Year: Wil Myers, Tampa Bay Rays. Key stat in this decision: the Rays traded James Shields and Wade Davis for him AND he hit 37 bombs in the minors last year. If this kid gets a call up this year, he could get a trophy.

Manager of the Year: Ned Yost, Kansas City Royals. The last few years, people have been saying to look out for the Royals if their prospects get hot. Well, this year, they added some talented and sprinkled in the prospects in their $70M payroll. Vegas line has them for 79 wins, but if they can break .500 for the first time since 2003, the Royals manager will win a trophy.

Remember everyone, these are called predictions. They might not always be 100% accurate when things come to a close at the end of the 2013 campaign, but you better believe we are going to boast about our picks if the stars align and we did pick a few correctly out of a hat...eh.. I mean from our baseball knowledge.

To all: Happy opening day and enjoy this baseball season. It was long awaited and may your team or any other team besides the Yankees or Giants win the World Series. We just can't have that again.