What WWE Superstars are your Padres most like?

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, this main event is scheduled for one fall....

I am a big fan of the wrestling and I have been since I was a young kid getting my first taste of the WCW and the Hulk Hogan era. Brother. As I was taking a shower, thinking about the upcoming Elimination Chamber PPV on February 23rd, I couldn't help but to have my mind wander off to see the likeness of many of my favorite wrestlers in comparison to some of the Padres players.

I know what you are thinking, baseball and wrestling? Those aren't alike! WRESTLING IS FAKE!!! But hear me out, I have good reasons for my comparison.



Chris Denorfia is Daniel Bryan

These two are the exact same person. Both of these players are super fan favorites and with their long flowing locks, they pump up fans in their respective arena. Both perform above average, but never seem to get the push they deserve because someone is always in front of them, whether it be John Cena or Will Venable. They are both waiting for their title chance and to show the fans they can be a true champion, defying all odds. While the "#Norf" chant may never catch on like the "Yes!" movement has, both of these superstars fly under the radar, but deliver results.

If you close your eyes and muffle your eyes, it almost sounds like Norf, right?

Cameron Maybin is Kofi Kingston

These two superstars are so much alike. Both are probably the most athletic ones in their respective locker room and perform high flying acts only they themselves would be able to accomplish. They both have the athletic ability but still haven't been able to get a long run at the top. After Cameron Maybin in his first year, he won Padres MVP, but then seem to slip to the level of mediocrity while Kingston has had a few short lived trips at the Intercontinental Title, but hasn't held on long any of those turns. I want both of these guys to get the                                                push they deserve and show their ability to live up to the potential.

I'd like to see him jump off the top ropes

Everth Cabrera is Rey Mysterio

This one feels like a no brainer. Both undersized mens have been able to make a name for themselves by their performance in their craft. One a former WWE Champion and the other an MLB All-Star, while both repping San Diego? The excitement they provide fans through a diving play in the hole or a reversal into a special move, this one is about as cut and dry as it gets. 

If Cabby can stop a ball in the hole, he can do this

Kyle Blanks is The Undertaker

The way I see it, these guys are similar for one reason. They both seem to come back once a year. Undertaker famously comes back one time a year for a short stretch during the WrestleMania season while Blanks seems to come back once a year while he's not on the DL. Two very different comebacks, but they perform almost                                                                     equivalent amounts. Oh yeah, they both are HUGE!

Best Intro Video?

The Rock is Huston Street

No more explanation needed than best finisher in the game. Hands down. Proven closer.

Imagine the commentators being Mark Grant and Dick Enberg

Chase Headley is John Cena

I see your fanhood, Cena.

And last but not least, our two stars. No matter what, these two are expected to perform. I feel like ever time I watch John Cena, I expect him to win and every time Chase Headley steps into the box, he is supposed to hit a home run. Both men act as the face of the locker room and are the top dog. Chase Headley is maybe the only Padre that casual fans can name and same                                                         can be said about John Cena. And if Chase Headley's special move                                                         was the walk-off home run, he could be deadly in the WWE.

Give him a title belt.

So, we may never see our guys in the ring, but I'll give our team the #1 contender spot on the diamond any day of the week. 

Creating The Greatest Padre: This makes even Dr. Frankenstein queasy

So, the Padres may not exactly be strapped with All-Stars and first ballot Hall Of Famers. I get it, we are a budget ball club with budget players. I love the guys, but lets me honest, Cameron Maybin is no Mike Trout.

With the new ownership trying to secure some players this year (or at least that is what they told us?) I was thinking myself, why not keep what we've got and create a monster player? Well not everything of everyone just some essential part.

First, the body of Kyle Blanks. This dude is massive. Imagine the 6'5'' 265lb frame of Kyle Blanks? Makes Josh Hamilton look like a shrimp side by side. With this height, our dream player will be able to use his body for maximum power when up to bat and hit jacks for days. Blanks body is a no brainer.

Hall Of Fame. First Ballot.

Speed is also a no doubter as well. We will call on the wheels of Everth Cabrera to jet our near-giant around the diamond at rapid pace (of course, when he is not hitting bombs over the Frazee Paint can in left). Everth had 44 base steals last year, leading the NL, and with another added foot in size, I think this could make our baller push for a 50/50 season. Our guy will make the road runner look slow.

Arm? Straight Cash-ner. We want our guy throwing 100MPH from wherever we decide to place him.

Bat? Homer Headley gets the nod. The dude hit 31 home runs last year and knocked in a NL leading 115 RBIs. Imagine combining these monster stats with our moster body frame of Blanks? 40+ home runs would not be out of the question and the potential to make Miguel Cabrera's Triple Crown year look like a joke as we put up video game-like numbers. Prepare yourself for 10 years of walk-off home runs


Glove? Cameron Maybin. This guy is a human web-gem and with a twitter handle like @SpiderMayb24 this guy cruises around the field like a super hero making sweet catch after sweet catch, robbing the best in the game of big hits.




Now it is time for some key pieces Padres fans need to have in a player that go beyond the playing field.

Most importantly, the high socks of Chris Denorfia. This may not be a correct statistic by any means, but I swear, whenever he wears these, the Padres win percentage jumps to about .800! Also, they just look frekin' sweet.

• The moustache of Dale Thayer. It just makes our guy look like a man. 
• The durability of Mark Kotsay. We want our guy playing up to 40 and well beyond. Satchel Paige has got nothing on us.
• The dreads of Edison Volquez. Because, why not?
• The faith of the Friar. No matter if we are down, he will be there to believe in us.

And lastly, good attitude is a must and from what I have seen and heard, Will "The Thrill" Venable is a fan favorite and all around awesome dude when it comes to fans. He never turns down a chance to sign autographs and always has a smile on his face. We need that in our All-Star. No one wants to be a jerk.

"Did someone say my name?"

Okay, okay, so this may not be possible to create the ultimate player, but after writing this, I realize I love these guys no matter what they can or can't do. They are my Padres, and I will take them as is.

This message is Bud Black approved.

...unless somehow we can sign Steven Strasburg, I would take that guy.

GO PADRES!